Are you? Do you jump in with both feet when someone, a buddy, a family member, and or a stranger needs your help? Do you wear yourself out trying to help them? Do you forget about yourself in the process? Do you wonder what happened when after all the trouble you went through to offer help, you find out that it was all for nothing? The people you chose to help did not show any gratitude and you were left feeling like it was all for nothing?
Welcome to the club of being “Too Available.” Not all of us are built that way. Some of us are and others live to people-please and we take it to a whole new level. I was talking to a friend recently about this problem and he said, “Everybody’s darling is everybody’s a**hole.” It is a well-known idiom meaning, “that trying to please everyone all the time is impossible and ultimately makes you inauthentic or disliked by all.” This phrase is associated with figures like Franz Josef Strauss, and it means”that bending over backward for universal approval leads to a loss of integrity.”
Today’s Lesson:
“Stop being always available to people who are just there for you when it’s convenient for them.” Unknown
I know plenty of said people. Some are close friends and others family members. Knowing that, it doesn’t make the pain any less hurtful, instead I question why some people are made that way. I guess the answer lies in the fact that people are people and each one is wired differently. The friend went on to say, “Nice people usually get the wrong end of the stick.” Well, he’s German so I think that this is what he meant. There maybe some truth to that assumption. I looked it up and this is what I found.
People-pleasing usually fails because you change your behavior to match whatever everyone else wants. By doing that, your boundaries suffer and there is no clear demarcation or lines drawn.
The truth is you can’t please everyone. Coming back to how people are wired and how each one has opposing values, expectations, and in trying to satisfy everyone, you end up satisfying no one.
You lose respect because by trying to accommodate everyone, you are seen as someone who agrees to everything and therefore not someone with clear principles. Basically, too much availability kills your value.
“Make yourself unavailable for unavailable people, who are only available when they want you to be available.” Mintu Kumar
What to do about this problem?
Never Forget This…..
If you’re always available – people stop valuing you.
If you constantly help – they start using you.
If you stay silent when it hurts – they’ll hurt you more often.
If you settle for less – they’ll never offer more.
If you don’t set limits – they’ll take control.
I don’t know who wrote that but he/she hit the nail on the head. The problem is knowing that, are people-pleasers ready to take that advice and learn from it? Or will it go in one ear and out the other when the next people-pleasing situation arises?
I don’t know but I think it takes practice to say NO or to look away and to stop from rushing to help. I’m not there yet but in time I hope I’ll be wearing a different tag and stop being, “Everybody’s darling” and “not everybody’s a**hole!” It is tiring, it is exhausting, and it hurts when things don’t turn out the way you want it to do and some kind of “thank you” is offered, which usually doesn’t happen.
“Stop being available for people who don’t prioritize you and your time.” Unknown
STOP OBSESSING, LET GO AND MOVE ON! Exactly what I would tell my younger self now since I know better and I am older and wiser. At least, I hope so!
I loved to obsess about anything and everything. It made my life difficult and didn’t bring me much peace or actual living for that matter. Some days I would spend obsessing about nothing at all. Believe me, it is possible.
Much time would be spent on nothing much, nothing of importance. Time that could have been spent on things that mattered, I left it on the backburner because I was too busy obsessing. I still have a tendency to do that but not to the extent I did when I was younger.
Yes, I am older and wiser but I still have a lot to learn.
What’s one thing you know now that would have saved your younger self a lot of pain?
This is an old saying that holds more than a modicum of truth within its confines. When the good times are there, we forget about impermanency and quite often we think that it is going to last forever and it doesn’t always go that way. When the bad times come around, we think it is going to stay until it turns tail and leaves the same way it came in. Nothing lasts forever and understanding this concept is what this saying is about. This well-known adage reflects on the temporary nature of the human condition.
“Two years ago you had problems you don’t even remember. But it seemed like such a big deal at the time, didn’t it? And yet – here you are. This, too, shall pass.” Unknown
I don’t recall when but I’ve been through the cycle of thinking it was a big deal at the time and like that quote, it vanished without a trace.
It takes different forms. Sometimes love moves in and you think forever is in the cards but sometimes that “forever” is just in the imagination. It was never meant to last. Sometimes, one door closes and you wait for that door to open back up but it stays shut and in its place another one opens but not before you learn what pain is about. It comes when you least expect it and it leaves when it sees fit. Sometimes life is on an even keel or so it seems until it turns the tables on you and you are faced with turmoil and chaos.
This too shall pass? Absolutely. It always does if you wait long enough and you give it time.
“Change is never painful. Only resistance to change is painful.” Buddha
Don’t I know it! I hate change but it arrives whether I want it to or not. I am learning to let go of resistance but it will take time.
This next one I love!
“This too shall pass…
It may pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.” Unknown
I’ve never had one of those but I’ve heard it’s painful. Too painful!
“Breathe darling. This is just a chapter. It’s not your whole story.” S. G. Lourie
Good one to remember when a painful episode decides to pay you a visit. It’s not the whole chapter and there’s more to the story so let it unfold as it will if you allow it.
This last one I like a whole lot!
This too shall pass….
“The heaviness. The confusion. The days that feel like they’ll never ease. Nothing stays the same forever, not the pain, not the doubt, not the storms in your head. You’ve made it through hard seasons before, even when you thought you wouldn’t. Hold on. Keep going. What you’re feeling right now isn’t the end of the story, it’s just a chapter.” Unknown
I know this all too well, however, this too shall pass is the last thing on my mind when things go down south but slowly and surely it is taking form and HOLDING so that the next time something unsavory happens I will remember,
As far as the weirdest movie I’ve ever watched, nothing comes to mind. I’ve watched a lot of movies but nothing weird or I just don’t remember!
If a movie even reeks of weirdness at first glance, it is a no go for me. I don’t give it the time of day and neither do I waste my time on it. I move on and there are plenty of movies out there without having to sit through a “weird” one.
“Every day is a new beginning. Take a deep breath, smile, and start again.” Unknown
I’m sitting in the office area and looking out the window. It’s a brand new day and I’m thankful and grateful. There is a storm raging outside, the weather has turned and fall is moving in, not slowly but as quickly as it can. The wind is blowing and the bamboo fronds in the neighbor’s garden are bending under the weight of gale force winds but its resilience to spring back is amazing.
Sometimes we can take lessons from nature. We too are resilient and no matter how life tries to bend or to break us, like the bamboo we too can spring back to life when the storm has settled and move on from there. It is not the end of the world, it is, if we tend to think it is.
“With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.” Eleanor Roosevelt
There is new strength coursing through me today. I went through major surgery on Monday and came out of it with little to show for it. The pain was nowhere to be found except for a little discomfort I feel just fine. I’ve made up my mind to embrace life and to open a brand new chapter. The pages are empty but I plan to write in them pretty soon. I have a plan in mind and it will be put into practice once my first week of recuperation is over.
I hope my body heals quickly. It is already showing signs that it is on exactly that path. I did the wash today, no big deal but going down to the cellar was but I did it with no problems. I’ve been walking up and down the stairs and cleaning up as well. The cat sitter said, “You are one fit person!” Well, I don’t want to jinx it but I would like to think that there is another hand at play in all of this.
“Every sunrise is a reminder that yesterday doesn’t have the final word. You can begin again, make a new choice, and write a better chapter. Your story is still being written.” Unknown
Exactly right! Yesterday doesn’t have the final say and you are fully capable of writing another chapter, one with a better ending.
“Every morning starts a new page in your story. Make it a great one today.” Unknown
